Friday, November 5, 2010

Case Study--Part IV--Conclusion

It is 4:30 a.m. as I sit down to right this.  I was sleeping just fine until Levi came in complaining because he was wet.  And he was....very wet.  So I changed him and tucked him back in pretty quickly and without complaint, but now mama is paying the price and can't sleep.

I could have surfed the web or done other pointless things, but I have put off writing more on my blog because I just wasn't feeling the inspiration to finish this "case study."  In fact the only two pieces of inspiration I am feeling to do so now are A.) being awakened in the middle of the night and left awake, and B.) to just finish this stupid thing so I can move on and write about something else, ANYTHING else!  You have no idea how many times in the course of writing this four part study I was inspired or motivated to write about many other things, but I would not let myself on account that was going to MAKE myself finish this one little project within a project.  Not fun.

SO...in conclusion, I now know I will never undertake a multiple part "study" of anything again in this blog.  Sure--never say never, but it will be HIGHLY unlikely that I ever do so again.  I've learned at least that much about myself.  In the day or two after I posted Part II, I was confronted with some rudely dealt cards in the game of life and wanted nothing better than to get on here and vent to the world on my homemade pulpit.  Seriously.  Part of me still wants to.  But I couldn't at the time because Part III was due next and it was supposed to be the happiest, most positive of my entries in this study!  What timing!  So I literally bit my tongue and dug deep to find those positives even though I wanted to throwing a toddler-worthy tantrum over how people should not treat and talk to others and on how horrible I was feeling inside.

But you know, that was perhaps the biggest lesson I did learn through this: that sometimes in life the excrement will hit the fan (at various speeds and quantities) and we just have to force ourselves to smile through it.  Even if all we want to do is focus on the fact that, "Hey people...I've got some serious issues here and I'd just like to dwell on it for a long time!"  Sometimes in life the only inspiration or motivation we have to carry on with daily life is, well, daily life.  Because otherwise, we were perfectly content to sit their and pity ourselves.  In the literal case of the poo hitting the fan, sometimes the only thing that makes us get up, shower it off, and move on is the fact that we can't stand the stench of it anymore.

In this midst of deployment, sometimes our kids are--more than ever--a blessing and a curse.  No want DESIRES to have their spouse go away for a year so that they may single-handedly care for their children.  They do, by nature, wear us out and try our patience no matter how much we love them (the children that is, although spouses can sometimes fit that bill too.)  BUT...I now wonder if those of us who have kids and endure these long deployments were given a gift in disguise.  Because you may not realize, but sometimes they are the only thing that gets us out of bed in the morning--they and the simple fact that they cannot care for themselves, so we must rise and face the day and face their needs.  I've talked with a few friends who have endured deployments childlessly.  And what they said, shocked me and made sense to me all at the same time.  You wouldn't believe how lonely some of them get.  One friend said very bluntly, "I got a job only to fill my days, but in the back of my mind, every single morning, I think to myself, I don't HAVE to go.  I can quit, not show up, call in sick and it not greatly affect me personally.  You can't and wouldn't do that to your kids."  She was right.  As much as I CRAVE that alone time, I wouldn't.

It isn't just deployments.  Feeling like that can happen to anyone at anytime for any reason--military or civilian.  But regardless, most of the time, we are all able to eventually get up and get moving and move on, even if begrudgingly.  Even if the last thing we WANT to do is sit down and list out what is going write in our lives.  We do it better than Nike does.

What I leave you with is this: watch out for each other.  That is where the true pain starts, when we feel like no one else can see or--if they do--they don't care that we are struggling to really pick up ourselves up and move on.  We get so wrapped up in daily habits and the flow of life that sometimes we forget that all a friend needs is us to sympathize with them for a short bit and then help them get up and move on.  Maybe all they need is you to start helping them see the diamond that they are beneath the roughness they see and feel.

I hate to return once last time to that ever-so-lovely visual of the room flung with excrement, but I must...just one last time...  For you see, sometimes all we desire as we sit there wallowing in that filth, trying to figure out how to begin to get out of it, is to see that door open gently and a friend walk in.  They don't mind dirtying their shoes a bit, even their hands, to walk over to you, pull you upright, maybe even hug you, and say "You are truly beautiful.  But right now, you stink.  So let's go clean you up--and me too.  We'll call a professional to clean the room, but right now, we focus on you."

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for the tears this morning. As I was reading this I wanted to stop midway because I didn't want to deal with the feelings in me, but I kept on going because well I can't stop midway in a good book, but now I'm crying and can't see what I'm typing. Thanks for being that friend for me today that opened the door and said your worth it...now I need to go shower.

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  2. Please don't ever stop writing (I know I'm a broken record). I was nodding in agreement as I read your blog and then "teared up" when I read how cathartic your post was for "Mom on a coulee." You are needed, not just by family, but by other Moms who, like you, are the heroes at home--not just a cliche--I mean it!
    By the way, are you keeping a hard copy of all of your writings? I think it is important that you keep hard copies for posterity.

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  3. Aunt Marge (aka Herrmann), Barnes and Noble offer a program called PubIt that will take ANYTHING you write and publish. Of course, the writer has to pay, but I think I may treat myself to that at the end of this deployment...we'll see.

    M on a C...of course you are worth it...and if it is any consolation, I typed that at 4 a.m. and by 8 a.m. I was needing a stark reminder of my own words. You--we--are never alone!

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